femininity and me
I'm so excited to feel feminine again - I'm gonna work out my core this summer, and I'll start doing lots of yard work and physical stuff, so I'm hoping that'll slim me down a lot. I don't know why, but feeling and appearing feminine is the thing that makes me feel the most like me. I don't really identify with men that well and never really have.
I think I'm just more likely to feel approachable and more likely to have fun interacting with people when I give off a feminine vibe, and I've been like this for a very long time. As young as 14, 15, I recall having an online friend who was straight, and was the same age. We often hung out in group calls / chats with some friends, as well as some strangers. I once made a remark when he took my side in a discussion - "Entranced by my feminine charms, are we?"
Looking back it was a dumb and unrelated thing to say, but I look back at moments like these and wonder why I'm like this. It's scary to think that I might be happier as a woman, because in some way I really doubt that I would be. This world is incredibly hostile to LGBT and especially trans people, and I'm not looking to add a T onto my 'oppress me' list. I DO think that I fall more on the feminine side than the masculine side, especially on the inside - I don't mind outwardly expressing myself as masculine, particularly when it's more convenient (e.g. older relatives coming to visit; going to work) but when I cut myself off from my inner femininity I lose my spark and my zest for life (and my zest in general I guess, lol).
So I don't think I'm trans, but I do think it's unfortunate I was born a man - people would more readily accept the authentic me as a cis woman, let's just face it. Heck, all my profile pictures are anime women - I feel wrong when I use a boys pfp, I just don't feel like me.
Idk, just some of my thoughts lately - I will reclaim my twinkhood this summer, and it's exciting that I will feel more like myself, because I'm also getting my ears pierced. The days of me giving any sort of shit what people think of me and my self-expression are over. <3
bye, empty void!