the sun is coming out - Persona 4!!
it's been a while since I talked into the void... I guess I've been so busy keeping up with my real life to really write anything down (outside of writing for school that is lol)
it was only a year ago that I was doing really poorly in university - I hadn't shown up to any of my classes, so I was scrambling to try and fit all of my missed work into one month - including final exam studying. I hardly got a wink of sleep during that entire time, and I didn't tell my father about it at all, so I felt like I had this horrible secret that I was pushing deeper down into myself.
but this past year since then I've stayed on top of my work and really pulled myself together, all while paying my own way through school with my recycling job. I guess I've just been reflecting on how much of a stronger and happier person I've become in the time since.. I'm really grateful to be where I am today.
Now the sun is coming out, and I feel unstoppable. going outside doesn't feel like a chore anymore - I've started coming up with excuses to skip the bus and walk around town. it's been a while since I let myself have a shopping day downtown, so maybe I'll check out the vintage mansion thrift store, or my favourite gaming and book stores.
I've been playing a lot of Persona 4 lately.. I think that game is really good for my self esteem and mental health; it reminds me of the things I treasure the most in my day-to-day life: meeting with friends, taking care of myself, keeping up with my hobbies, but still balancing my leisure time with work time whenever I can. after all, I'd be nowhere if it weren't for my work ethic and renewed sense of self-worth and self-belief, as well as the support I've had from my lovely girlfriend, who is the real treasure of my life. Persona 4 is the type of game where every little step of the journey feels important or impactful, much like real life - the little actions in how you carry yourself and care for your own wellbeing and that of your loved ones adds up in life and makes you a happier person. I like being the friend who looks out for others, even if I don't know them very well. I think it's one of the most important parts of life - it helps you build a community that has meaning and love.
I also finished reading Qiu Miaojin's book, Notes of a Crocodile, the other day. I could have finished it much earlier, but I'm glad I gave it a rest until I was ready to finish it. the characters remind me a lot of myself in multiple ways - their flaws are so true-to-life, I really feel like I know them - they could easily pass as people who go to my school; people I interact with in class. fiction is so humanizing and helps me not only feel seen, but it helps me see others too. as a queer person, queer fiction is a necessity, especially for an artsy fuck like me lol
I guess I've just been trying to take my time and enjoy my life to the fullest. I used to think I'd never be happy again - I'm not trying to sound edgy or anything; depression is just a bitch, and I sat in it for over a year. it really gets to you.. I want to take my life one day at a time, and savour the time that I'm here on this Earth. Chasing productivity and all that is important to an extent, but whatever creator is out there gave me flowers and trees too, and I almost feel compelled to experience whatever is out there to the fullest. The weather is so nice, and I recently got back into City Pop, so I've honestly been the happiest that I've ever been in many years. I'll definitely go to the beach this summer, and I'll buy things that make me happy while the sun (and my soul) is shining like this. why not enjoy my happiness while it's here?
anyway, I have a week or so until my next exam, so I'll be taking it easy for a bit - I'll probably play a lot more Persona in the meantime, so maybe I'll write more about my feelings about that game as I go along. Maybe then I'll actually finish Mother 3 - I know I said start on it, but I think I need a break. It's clearly a game that will mean a lot to me by the time I finish it, so I'm gonna take it easy and enjoy every last second of it! <3
goodbye for now empty void
- Sam